HAHAHAHAHA..man, those guys sure look great.. when they’re not pitching.  This photo was released along with a 2006 baseball preview.  The result of that season was an 80-82 record which was 13 games out of 1st place in the division and even more games out of the wildcard.  So, I guess the answer to the question it presents was “not so much.”  (Pssh, Adam Eaton… screw that guy… I hope he’s blowing all his money on high-priced hookers and heroin.. that way he’ll be working at Tire Barn this time next year and getting exactly what he deserves).  Anyways, the focus of this rant is about the centerpiece of the picture you just glanced at…  

I want Kevin Millwood to go away.  I don’t mean just off our roster and payroll.. I mean I want him off of the continent (preferably an African country like Botswana or Tanzania) and never to be heard from again.  It’s players like him that really piss me off and paragraph 3 will explain why..  But first, a background check…  In 2006, after we finally got out from underneath our idiotic decision of giving Chan Hobag a megadeal to be our ace in ’02, we turned around and did the exact same thing AGAIN!!  We gave an ace contract to a guy who is NOT ace material.  Jake Peavy, CC Sabathia, Johan Santana, Brandon Webb, Roy Halladay.. these are bonafied number 1 starters.. these are the kinda guys you give multi-year deals worth big bucks to.  Kevin Millwood is a number 3 starter, at best.  Our front office committed a cardinal sin (in my book) giving a 5-year/$60 million contract to a pitcher that has never been a number 1 starter and had only 2 ace-like seasons in his 9 years of employment…

Some might say that he earned this contract and it was a great signing at the time… I would have to disagree with these people.  The fact is he was the best available pitcher in a free agent market with scarce options at the SP position.  He became the best available pitcher in this market because he had a year in which he lead the American League in ERA (2.86)..  Obviously, this was a classic case of a career year in a contract year.  Another fact is that Kevin Millwood is a client of the Anti-Christ, Scott Boras.  So, Millwood and Boras had two teams (us and the Sahx) playing a game of metaphorical ping pong in which each hit of the ball increases money or years on the deal… I understand why players and agents play this dirty little game, but it certainly isn’t necessary to demand a contract that you are nowhere near entitled to.  So, unfortunately, we ended up ”winning” that bidding war and here’s what we got:

2006 – 16-12 record in 34 games started, 215 IP, 228 hits allowed, 157/53 K/BB, 4.52 ERA…I will admit that this was a very decent year for Kevin… but, maybe if he had a 1-year deal instead of a 5-year deal, his numbers would have been even better that season and we might have saved ourselves from what followed…

2007 – 12-14 record in 31 games started, 172 IP, 213 hits allowed, 123/67 K/BB, 5.16 ERA

2008 – 9-10 record in 29 games started, 168 IP, 220 hits allowed, 125/49 K/BB, 5.07 ERA

Are you f**king kidding me???  That’s our “ace”???  I don’t think so and apparently neither does Kevin saying, “Since my first year here, I haven’t pitched that well.”  Yeah, no kidding.  I dunno about you, but I feel absolutely cheated and robbed.  In addition, his personality mirrors that of a tube of toothpaste.  Here’s an image of what Kevin would do if he struck out the side to secure a World Series championship…

Yes, that is a picture of Kevin Millwood going ape$#!*.  It’s actually a good thing that he won’t ever be in a position to do that… it would be such a boring act of celebration that TV networks probably wouldn’t even show replays of the World Series final out emotion (like Wainwright, Papelbon, Lidge the past 3 years).  In fact, if the Rangers made it to the Series this season (which they won’t) and they had a 3-0 series lead on whatever team they were facing, MLB would get a hold of Ron Washington and make damn sure that Millwood was not on the mound for that final out.  I’m sorry, but that’s just not the kind of ace I want for my staff.

I don’t at all question his toughness which he puts on display here…

…but, that’s not what we’re paying him for.  I would rather him be a raging homosexual and keep the ERA below 4 (where it belongs) than pulling this John Wayne crap and pitching like a number 4 starter.  And, I’m serious about that statement… I would rather him legally change his name to Jessica Cupcakes and hang around Illusions, which is a gay bar in Dallas, as long as he did the job he was hired to do… (I only know about this bar because I just typed in ”gay bars dallas” in a search engine just to make this point… if you don’t believe me, then I suggest you go fornicate yourself).

Now, there is some hope of resolving this hopeless situation… Kevin’s contract has come with a condition that states he must pitch at least 180 innings this season or else the Rangers can negate the final season of his 5-year deal.  “If I pitch 180 innings, I’m here for another year. If I don’t pitch 180 innings, I probably don’t deserve to be here,” says Kevin Millwood in his trademark annoyingly deep and monotonous robot voice.  First of all, you don’t deserve to be here either way and second, I don’t want you back.   Whether management can do anything at all to keep him from getting to that mark is unknown to me (if they can, they should).  But, if everything is in the hands of our “ace,” I will be praying for some sort of injury that keeps him from getting to 180 IP… slipping off the treadmill and damaging ligaments in his ankle, breaking bones in his pitching hand by barehanding a hotshot grounder back to him (which he is notorious for), accidentally stabbing himself in the abdomen with a fork, I don’t care… this man must be stopped.  Normally, I wouldn’t wish any injury on any player (except for Derek Jeter), but in this case, I sincerely do not him on our roster for the 2010 season nor do I wanna shell out the $12 mil he would get for it. 

I recently picked up a fantasy baseball magazine, Fanball.com Fantasy Baseball 2009 (a product I highly recommend), and found Kevin ranked #90 out of all the starting pitchers in MLB.  It is an unbiased ranking that has him listed below skidmarks like Boof Bonser, Odalis Perez, and Cha Seung Baek.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is a reason why I think that baseball players should be treated no differently than retail goods… if damaged, broken, or just flatout doesn’t serve it’s purpose, they can be returned for a full refund.  I understand that these players aren’t washing machines, but they should at least give back a significant portion of their salaries if they don’t even come close to living up to the monetary expectations (ie. Barry Zito).. and, no, it doesn’t count when you give back the money in the form of donations like the little league field aptly named Kevin Millwood Texas Rangers Ballpark.  “It’s not about the money as much as giving kids an outlet,” Millwood said. “It’s about giving kids a place to go that’s safe and they can do something they enjoy. The money doesn’t matter.”  Holy crap dude, could you pour on the BS any thicker???  Of course, the money doesn’t matter…It’s all tax-deductible and its money that you sure as hell haven’t earned.           

To close out this seemingly neverending rant (which is longer than usual because there won’t be anymore posts made until Friday), I present to you a picture that symbolizes Kevin Millwood’s tenure as a Texas Ranger…

What an Acehole.

I know power rankings are just opinions, but I thought it’d be interesting to see where the Texas Rangers stand among the 30 MLB teams in the general public’s eye.  I went and found 11 recent baseball power rankings (all from different sites) and computed an average of the Rangers ranks.  As it turns out, we are either the 20th or 21st best team in baseball.  I was pretty shocked because I can’t seem to make myself believe that 9 or 10 teams are actually worse than us, but I guess Josh Hamilton has single-handedly vaulted us above those other piss-poor clubs.  I will go as far as saying that any team that won less than 70 games last year is worse than us (despite offseason moves)… so, Baltimore, Seattle, Washington, Pittsburgh, and San Diego have done the impossible by sucking more than we do … I’ll even throw the Royals on that list because they’re the Royals.  And, after further review, the Giants blow balls too (but that’s only because of where they’re located).  This all means that I’ve got the Rangers tagged as being ranked 22nd in the league.  It’s not exactly too far off from being 20th or 21st, but regardless, we are still in the bottom tier of teams.  Usually, the top tier (which consists of the 10 best teams) have good shots at making the playoffs… middle tier teams (which consists of teams 11-15) have an outside chance at making the playoffs.  Bottom tier (the last half of any power rankings) has no shot whatsoever in my mind.  

You might be suckered into thinking it’s possible that the 2009 version of the Rangers could be the 2008 version of the Rays.  Don’t fall for that trap.  I guarantee that any team that has 27 consecutive years of 1st overall draft picks would eventually bust out.  It’s too bad the Rangers didn’t think of that strategy before cementing ourselves in a low-20′s power ranking position.  Having the 9th overall pick in the annual draft is nowhere near as productive as netting yearly 1st overall picks.  It’s a very simple formula… come in dead last for a decade and then score a world series berth… duh.  It’s all just another sign of the organization’s lack of interest in this team and lack of caring for this franchise and it’s fans.

And to those fans who will rebut the last 2 paragraphs with, “Yeah, but, Baseball America and Baseball Prospectus rank the Rangers Minor League system as one of the very best”…. Look here numbnuts, I don’t daydream about winning the g’damn Texas League Championship.. just go ahead and demote yourself to the Minors (where you clearly belong) and leave us rational Ranger fans the hell alone.     

In other Ranger ”news,” the only players who have yet to report to camp are infielders Omar Vizquel and Jose Vallejo… in other words, the players that fans actually care about living or dying have arrived.  And, word is that Andruw Jones has somehow lost 20 pounds even though he spent the entire offseason eating all the money that he stole from the Dodgers.  And, Michael Young stood in his new position for the first time today.. that would be the “bent over with his pants around his ankles and the front office standing behind him unzipping their flies” position.

The dumbest quote of the week was spoken on Monday:   

“I realize this is not the beginning of the season or the All-Star break but yesterday was one of the most impressive displays of pitching I’ve seen in a long time.”  – Former Rangers catcher Jim Sundberg on watching bullpen sessions…..????yeah, I don’t get it either.  

The first exhibition game is is February 26th, so the next week will no doubt be brutally boring… More lies from Jon Daniels about “progress”.. more Nolan being upset and confused as to why all the pitchers in camp arent even 10% of what he used to be… and more pitchers and catchers working on rundowns.  You would think Major League caliber players could easily execute simple rundowns.. but, no, they practice it every February and still manage to screw it up in games… it makes me think twice about whether or not these lowlife scum even are Major League caliber… I know Scott Feldman’s not.. screw that guy.

(By the way, I’m peeved that I can’t cuss on this thing.. this is MY blog and I can’t say ”*********** mother ******.”  I can’t even write “Warner Madrigal is a ********* ******* ******* piece of **** **** ******* ***** who eats ***** for breakfast.”  But, for whatever reason, I can say “titty-sprinkles.”  Unbelievable.)                             

Today, February 14th, 37 Rangers were forced to show up at Surprise, AZ.  Tomorrow, pitchers will go through PFP drills while the catchers will spend most of the day on their knees doing ball-blocking drills and orally satisfying manager, Ron Washington.  Basically, this all means that Spring Training 2009 has commenced and hope is in the air that this could be the Rangers year… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The Rangers website will have you believe that nothing is certain regarding the lineup, rotation, positions, and bullpen.. that the “competition will be fierce.”  But, that’s all just a ploy to motivate fans to book their flights to Surprise and actually pay money to watch German Duran field groundballs…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Luckily for you, I’m here to save you from taking that “fun-filled” trip and provide the lowdown on late February, all of March, and the first week in April:

1)  No matter what lineup Ron comes up with coming out of Spring Training, it will produce… but, that won’t matter because (see number 2). 

2)  No matter what rotation Ron puts together, it will lead the league in highest ERA.

3)  No matter who gets what bullpen roles, nobody will care.

4)  Andruw Jones will somehow tear it up in the Spring, earn a starting spot in center, and then hit .145 with 1 homer and 3 RBIs until Ron decides to bench, demote, or release the waste of money, time, and space.

5)  The clusterf*ck situation at catcher is irrelevant.  History has shown that whoever lands the starting catcher spot for the Rangers will suck balls at the plate while the backup backstop will light it up in the one game a week he catches.  Then, the manager will switch the roles and somehow the statistics will switch from one player to the other and vice versa…  I find it very annoying. 

6)  Which of these players will get the majority of playing time at shortstop during the regular season?  Elvis Andrus or Omar Vizquel?……….. my answer is neither.  Michael Young is our g’damn shortstop.  I don’t care how good they say Elvis is.. the guy struck out 19% of the time last year in frikken AA… add that with 31+ errors in his past 3 minor league seasons and I guarantee you the Bigs will eat him up this year..  He needs a year in AAA, then a call up to the majors (that’s what “climbing up a ladder” means… you don’t skip rungs).  As far as Omar is concerned, I don’t need to see some 41-year-old farting around in the infield.  I don’t care how many gold gloves and All-Star appearances the dude has… keep him on the bench and let him spread his wealth of knowledge to the noobs.  Just let the perennial All-Star and most current Gold Glove winner at the position do his thing… the vacated 3rd base position should go to one of the following guys: Chris Davis (since he’ll be there soon anyway), Travis Metcalf, or maybe even.. *holding my breath*.. Hank Blalock?  Yeah, I said it… Throw Hank back in there… let him play until he goes back on the DL.  I can’t stand seeing teams using the DH as the place to put guys who either can’t field or have injury issues… it’s such a pansy way to do things. 

7)  Speaking of Hank, this is his last shot with me.  Thoracic outlet syndrome, torn hamstring, carpal tunnel syndrome, sore shoulder… if any of these reoccur or something new gets added to the list, he is DONE.  Also, if he fails to protect Hamilton in the order by hitting .228 (which is his career average at the DH position) and striking out once or twice a game, I want him to go bye-bye.  

8)  Overpaid pitching will anchor our starting rotation (that would be Millwood and Padilla… again *sigh*) followed by 3 guys that will find a way to pitch themselves out of the rotation.  By year’s end, the Rangers will once again go through 15 starting pitchers all of whom are consitently inconsistent.

To sum it all up, the Texas Rangers will be legitimate contenders… for the Cactus League Championship….. yay.

                        

Ya know..  I really wish MLB and the Texas Rangers would send me an e-mail that lets me know when spring training tickets go on sale…  They should at least put something on the home pages of their respective websites.  And, I really wish they let the fans in on when Rangers merchandise will be discounted and when mini-plans can be bought…  It’s almost like they don’t even care and it really hurts.

Anyways, pitchers and catchers report to Surprise in 9 days, 20 hours, and 29 minutes… Thank God for the countdown clock on Rangers.com.  If it wasn’t for that, I’d have no idea when February 14th would be.  Good news is that the Eddie Guardado saga is over… the 39-year-old southpaw set-up man is back in Ranger blue/red/white/black.  Bad news is that he signed a lucrative minor league contract worth $1 million plus incentive bonuses which reinforces why they call him “All-About-The-Money” Guerrero.  This outrageous salary has pretty much trampled any thought of acquiring Ben Sheets for this season.  God forbid we start giving money away like the g’damn Pirates.

But, now that the offseason is over and the team has been put together, I feel the need to project the lineup, starting rotation, bullpen and bench for Opening Day 2009:

Leading off and playing shortstop, Elvis Andus.  Batting second/playing 2nd base, Joaquin Arias.  Hitting third/catching, Max Ramirez.  Cleanup/1st base, Frank Catalanotto.  Batting fifth and manning 3rd base, German Duran.  Batting sixth/ghost-riding the leftfield, Brandon Boggs.  Hitting seventh/DHing, Brad Fullmer (wishful thinking that we might snag him off the retirement wire), batting eighth and kickin’ it in right, Marlon Byrd.  Batting ninth/lolligagging in center, Greg Golson (I project him winning the job during spring training).

The starting pitching rotation is as follows:  Matt Harrison, Brandon McCarthy, Kason Gabbard, Godzilla Padilla, and 13-year-old rookie, Derrick Holland (who shouldn’t be a factor until April 24th because we will go with a 4-man rotation until then).

The bullpen will consist of no-name middle relief pitchers Tommy Hunter, Doug Mathis, Josh Rupe, Willie Eyre and newcomer Derrick Turnbow.  CJ Wilson will be our lefty specialist until he goes to the DL around mid-April.  Frankie Francisco will be setting up for mega-closer All-About-The-Money Guardado.  Kevin Millwood will be the long reliever (aka Mop-up bitch).

Bench players will include infielders Michael Young as a pinch hitter in key late-inning situations and Ian Kinsler will come off the bench for baserunning and defensive upgrade duties.  Chris Davis is the 9th inning homerun threat.  David Murphy is the 4th outfielder.  Nelson Cruz and his eyebrows are our 5th outfielder.  And, finally, the key cog in the Mark Teixiera deal, Jarrod Saltalamacchia, will be the backup catcher.

Now, I know you’re wondering about Josh Hamilton.  “Where does Josh Hamilton go, PFISH???”  To be honest with you, the guy has a great comeback story and all, but I think he needs a little more seasoning down in the minors.  So, he’ll be playing in Clinton until he puts everything together and shows he can compete at this level.      

Oh, and, you also might be wondering why I placed 29 guys on the 25-man roster.  It’s because people outside of the Texas Rangers organization don’t really give a crap about what we do… might as well take advantage.        

 

 

 

 

Are you or anyone you know of suffering from RFS?  If so, contact a lawyer or legal team that can get you a large sum of money that you’re entitled to.

Perhaps you, or somebody close to you, are currently in the inital stages of RFS.  If so, seek help immeadiately before the situation spirals out of control and down into the bottomless black abyss of self-destruction.

I have a friend named Matt (or I should say “had” a friend named Matt).  He was a great guy that had everything going for him.. awesome personality, excellent appearance, girls, money and possessions, youth.. he had it all.  Here’s a “before shot” of Matthew…

 

Then, Matt decided to delve a bit deeper into the Ranger fandom and slowly, but surely, started drifting away from me and the rest of the world…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, last season, he hit rock-bottom.  Year after year after year of mediocrity and disappointment led him to a point of no return.  Think about Ace Ventura visiting the insane asylum and looking for clues about ex-Dolphin kicker, Ray Finkle… his passion for and dedication to the game of football were absolutely hilarious… but, it was funny only because it was all an act.  Sadly, Ace’s performance has now become a reality in cases like Matt’s and many other Texas Ranger fans.  These people have lost the grip they once had on life to this awful epidemic.  Brace yourself because the following images are disturbing…

 

 

Nobody is to blame for what’s happening here (except the Texas Rangers organization).  Scientists and researchers have yet to find a cure for it.. although, some have speculated that the occassional playoff appearance might do the trick.  Personally, I disagree with that theory because the “3-and-out” playoff stint could possibly do more harm to the situation than good. 

Bottom-line here is don’t let this happen to you.  If you care about your well-being, avoid eye-contact with this team.  If you notice your loved ones becoming interested the Rangers, sit them down and talk about the potential negative effects it will have on them.  Don’t be sucked into a team that’s won a grand total of 1 playoff game since ’72… it’s a nightmare from which there is no waking up.   

With the brilliant offseason acquisitions of former All Star relief pitcher/former steroid junkie, Derrick Turnbow and 74-year-old shortstop, Omar Vizquel, the Texas Rangers have automatically become the preseason favorites to win it all in 2032.